Charting the Reinvention of Twinkies

Lessons learned so far, and charting the course for NOT-winkies R&D

• At least one pretender to the Twinkies throne, Mrs. Freshley’s Golden Creme Cakes aka Creme Fingers aka “dreamies”, are pretty awful and cannot be taken seriously by Twinkies aficionados.
   
• There are 7 recognizable “food” ingredients in Twinkies: wheat flour, sugar, shortening, eggs, baking powder, natural flavoring, and salt. The remaining 20 ingredients are additives that are present solely for manufacturability and commerce—but which, it must be unflinchingly acknowledged, create a consistent, compelling, and positive Twinkies experience.
    
• Twinkies’ Ingredients listing, Nutrition Facts labeling, and Hostess’ PR statements are inconsistent, self-contradictory, and possibly contain “accidental” misstatements.

So the first steps of our journey will be guided by the following points of the NOT-winkies compass:

1. Take a hard look at the structure and balance of fats, proteins, carbohydrates, fiber, and assorted nutrients that define food as currently understood such that NOT-winkies supports growth and renewal instead of malnutrition and degeneration.
    
2. Determine which additives (or their contributing functionality anyway) are strictly necessary, and so whether they can be pushed back into the realm of food. With luck we can find less-wholly synthetic replacements that can be recognized without a PhD in organic chemistry.
    
3. Purge the formula of common allergens, and roll back the insidious infiltration into Snack Foods by Glycine max L. Merr. aka The Soybean and his buddy in the field across the road, Zea mays L., aka Maize aka King Corn. Organic, non-GMO, whatever—there is too much in the diet, seems to me.
    
4. Keep the best of what Twinkies were (are?) all about: The rewards of sinking one’s teeth into the alluring Golden Sponge Cake with its moist yet not gummy or chewy crumb; the luscious Creamed Filling of Mystery—how do they do that?—;and the reasonably long shelf life that assures good times with fewer trips to the market.

Ancillary considerations for the success of NOT-winkies might include:

• Striving for “sustainability”—a vaguely-defined and stubbornly unworkable concept—in ingredient sourcing: organic, non-GMO, Fair Trade, bla, bla, bla. Run any candidate formula past the Whole Foods Ban List to make sure no show-stoppers have crept in.
   
• Mounting a social-media counterstrike against those ever-present Food Fascists shrilly opposed to the very idea of Snack Cakes and Fun Food. We’ve been putting up with the Hippies’ (current, ex-, and Neo-) wailing, teeth-gnashing, and hair-pulling over Junk Food, Empty Calories, and Preservatives for forty-fifty years now; I think that’s long enough, don’tchoo?
   
• Contemplating and counteracting the growing menace of politically-correct Food Nannies and Ma Chalmers wannabes in the Halls of Power from City Hall to Congress. The threat to our Natural Rights to eat what, when, and how much we please has never been greater from those who believe they are oh-so-much-wiser than we, despite being dead-wrong about saturated fats, cholesterol etc. Yet their power and influence wax year by year; go figure.
   
• Analyzing the demographics and sociopolitics of the Vegetarians and Vogons Vegans, and judging whether any of their attendant means and methods would be appropriate, practicable, and worthwhile vis-à-vis the non-sacramental NOT-winkies formula.
   
• Settling on a really fun name that won’t cause the new Twinkies “asset” owner’s sharks to scent blood. NOT-winkies is just the working project label.

Coming up: Compass Point 1: Can NOT-winkies Become Food?

Beekeeping for Poets

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